Tuesday, October 19, 2010

News from the Fetus Front

Is this seriously the first essay I've procrastinated on all semester?

Hey kids. Sorry your dad hasn't been home in over a month. I've been working very hard as an Art Director for an animated TV show! (Not a real show. Just a giant student project -ed.)

It's about fetuses. Wanna see some PICTURES?

Oh, and I also designed a related t-shirt to promote/raise money for the damn show. You know you want one:

Looks like my cell phone's ringing. Back to work! I'll play catch with ya later, okay? Chin up, kiddo.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Scenes from Reading And Writing Women

Misogeny misogeny misogeny misogeny

Women aren't that worse off than men. Sure, historically we used to gang rape you in caves, but that's all different now. Voting. Glee. Plus, modern society is all about how many connections you have, and the average woman knows 73259023982638 people. I know about 40. This generation of ladies is going to fucking destroy men. What I'm saying is, stop complaining about an uneven playing field--women took some exotic creams and a discreet razor and leveled that a long time ago.

My women's lit class didn't get that memo, so for this entire semester I'll be learning about how integral motherhood is to the female experience.

The following two short scenes actually happened:

LADY PROF: This author, in writing about ecriture feminine, appears to have made the conscious decision not to write logically. Instead, she repeats her points over and over again--almost writing in circles. Can anybody tell me why that is?

PIERCINGS GIRL: I think she's writing as a metaphor for menstruation. Our natural bodily cycles have a rhythm to them that repeats itself all throughout our lives.

LADY PROF: That's exactly right!

The end. Fin. Women write essays with their fallopian tubes instead of their brains. That's so empowering it's kind of insulting! Next scene:

LADY PROF: This essay is titled White Ink. Can anybody guess why?

CLASS: several incorrect guesses

LADY PROF: Give up? Breast milk!

I wonder what Reading and Writing Men would be like, if it could legally be offered. The prof would probably beat us all up.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Data Man Has Met His Match!

And she's gonna BURN him!

Data Man, earth's digital defender! You've seen him defeat an evil corporation bent on farming orphans. You've watched him explode the Hyperbrain. Week after week, his mid-80s technology movies have raked in enough box office gold to fund a cold war.

His third film (Data Man 3: Duplicate File Detected!) is released straight to Laserdisc and is promptly forgotten. But now it's the early 90s and the execs need new fodder for animated kid's shows. Data Man: The Animated Series is rushed into production.

In one episode, he'll meet his new archnemesis.

Data Man, meet Datum Anne.

She only knows one thing.

Data Man must be deleted.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

New Place/No Internet

It's like camping but you're not allowed to burn your garbage!

So long without an update! I haven't seen a literary dry spell like this since Harry Potter tried whacking off in first year.

I have a place downtown. It's a student co-op, not a residence. The difference: no delicious food. But also no teambuilding activities. So that's good.

Sometime next week I'll have Internet there. And hopefully I'll have something to write about by then. Last time I drew a blank this big it was a sketch of Chevy Chase's sperm sample. Heyo!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Extracted from the secret files of I Woke Up With This On My Desk.

Yeah, I have no idea where this came from.

And speaking of Facebook: this was way too hilarious not to get any comments. So you're all looking at it again. Just a screen capture.

Monday, August 23, 2010

4D Movies

It's all you, Jame Scameron!

I cracked the secret of how to do a 4-D movie. This would be irritating as hell to experience or create, but here's how you'd do it:

1. Acquire a geodesic dome.
2. Line the inside with hundreds of 3DTVs, blaring down towards the center from every angle.
3. Link each screen to a hypercomputer.
4. Have the hypercomputer find out how long the movie is, then divide this time between the number of screens you have. Make your dome large enough to allow for less than 1 second per screen.
5. Play the movie simultaneously on all screens, each screen starting from a different point, one interval apart.

And thus you subject your audience to the fourth dimension, time.

Nobody should do this.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Joe's Crematorium...

Got paid $24 to write this on Friday.

Here's a little something for next time you answer your phone...

Joe's crematorium, you kill 'em we grill 'em!
Joe's taxidermy, you snuff 'em we stuff 'em!
Joe's mortuary, you stab 'em we slab 'em!
Joe's executioners, you book 'em we cook 'em!
Joe's cryogenics, you disease 'em we freeze 'em!
Joe's foster care services, you beat 'em we feed 'em!
Joe's STD clinic, you molest 'em we test 'em!
Joe's school for the disabled, you deform 'em we inform 'em!
ZombieWatch radar services, you infect 'em we detect 'em!
You've reached BLASCAR--it's NASCAR with all black drivers! You segregate 'em we accelerate 'em!

My favorite one's the STD clinic, but that's because apparently I'm still in grade 9.